God Made Me
By Michelle Rocker
For as long as I can remember, I have ridden the high and lows throughout my life. Not the normal one’s like most people go through life. My highs were the mountain top. I felt like I could do anything and everything. I would become obsessed with projects. I loved hanging out with my friends, and talked non-stop. Then the lows hit, and I wanted to sleep all the time. I did not want to see anyone or do anything. Beginning when I was thirteen I would think about suicide during my lows. I functioned and rarely let anyone too close. I had friends, but no one knew my secret.
I got married when I was twenty, and it became more difficult to hide my secret. When I was high it was fine, but during the lows, I would cry all day, and try to act like everything was fine when my husband got home. Our marriage suffered from my husband’s anger, and my lack of truthfulness.
After my second child was born, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. In my late twenties, I could no longer keep my secret. I ran away, and my husband was shocked. I was diagnosed with depression. God prevailed in our marriage and we reunited. In my thirties, I once again found myself out of control with my emotions. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
As they tried to figure out my medications, everything went out of control, and I finally gave in to my urge to commit suicide in October 2006. I survived and was baker-acted to a psych ward. I felt lost and confused, but God knew what he was doing. I finally had a “label” of what I had. I was bipolar, combined with obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, social disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
Yeah, I know. A lot of disorders. I was finally hooked up with a psychiatrist that God sent to me. She put me on the right medications, and told me it would take six months to a year to find out which cocktail of medicine was right for me. She was right.
But during that time, I found a whole different way to live. I found a Christian therapist along with my psychologist I had met in the psych ward. I found I needed accountability. I needed a sponsor. I started attending Celebrate Recovery (a Christian 12-step program).
At first I thought I was stuck with all of my labels, then God told me that this is the way he wanted to make me.
In Psalm 139: 13-16 it says: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
These verses are key to accepting yourself for who God made you to be. People or doctors will tell you what is wrong with you, and some of them might be right. I do have bipolar and all of the other disorders, but I have come to accept that God made me just the way I am supposed to be.
Because of my disorders, I’m a good writer because I can talk about the pain and the joys. I’m a good musician and singer because I can multi-task. I’m crafty because I’m always looking for a new positive obsession.
Of course I have the downsides to my disorder, but now I have friends, accountability partners, therapist, psychiatrist, and a sponsor to get me through. They love me through the highs and through the lows.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 quotes: As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
Why do I have bipolar? I don’t know. You could say genetics. You could say circumstance, but then you would be missing the point.
For the first time in my life, I’m learning to love the person that God made me to be.
In Mathew 19:19 Jesus tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself.”
Hollywood dramatizes this to extreme. I’m not talking about selfishness, and neither was Jesus. Don’t misunderstand. Explore the gifts God has given you. The ones he gave you, are the one’s he intends for you to use. Embrace who God made you to be.
God made me exactly the way I am suppose to be. It took me thirty-four years, but I’m finally figuring it out.
By Michelle Rocker
For as long as I can remember, I have ridden the high and lows throughout my life. Not the normal one’s like most people go through life. My highs were the mountain top. I felt like I could do anything and everything. I would become obsessed with projects. I loved hanging out with my friends, and talked non-stop. Then the lows hit, and I wanted to sleep all the time. I did not want to see anyone or do anything. Beginning when I was thirteen I would think about suicide during my lows. I functioned and rarely let anyone too close. I had friends, but no one knew my secret.
I got married when I was twenty, and it became more difficult to hide my secret. When I was high it was fine, but during the lows, I would cry all day, and try to act like everything was fine when my husband got home. Our marriage suffered from my husband’s anger, and my lack of truthfulness.
After my second child was born, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. In my late twenties, I could no longer keep my secret. I ran away, and my husband was shocked. I was diagnosed with depression. God prevailed in our marriage and we reunited. In my thirties, I once again found myself out of control with my emotions. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
As they tried to figure out my medications, everything went out of control, and I finally gave in to my urge to commit suicide in October 2006. I survived and was baker-acted to a psych ward. I felt lost and confused, but God knew what he was doing. I finally had a “label” of what I had. I was bipolar, combined with obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, social disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
Yeah, I know. A lot of disorders. I was finally hooked up with a psychiatrist that God sent to me. She put me on the right medications, and told me it would take six months to a year to find out which cocktail of medicine was right for me. She was right.
But during that time, I found a whole different way to live. I found a Christian therapist along with my psychologist I had met in the psych ward. I found I needed accountability. I needed a sponsor. I started attending Celebrate Recovery (a Christian 12-step program).
At first I thought I was stuck with all of my labels, then God told me that this is the way he wanted to make me.
In Psalm 139: 13-16 it says: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
These verses are key to accepting yourself for who God made you to be. People or doctors will tell you what is wrong with you, and some of them might be right. I do have bipolar and all of the other disorders, but I have come to accept that God made me just the way I am supposed to be.
Because of my disorders, I’m a good writer because I can talk about the pain and the joys. I’m a good musician and singer because I can multi-task. I’m crafty because I’m always looking for a new positive obsession.
Of course I have the downsides to my disorder, but now I have friends, accountability partners, therapist, psychiatrist, and a sponsor to get me through. They love me through the highs and through the lows.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 quotes: As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
Why do I have bipolar? I don’t know. You could say genetics. You could say circumstance, but then you would be missing the point.
For the first time in my life, I’m learning to love the person that God made me to be.
In Mathew 19:19 Jesus tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself.”
Hollywood dramatizes this to extreme. I’m not talking about selfishness, and neither was Jesus. Don’t misunderstand. Explore the gifts God has given you. The ones he gave you, are the one’s he intends for you to use. Embrace who God made you to be.
God made me exactly the way I am suppose to be. It took me thirty-four years, but I’m finally figuring it out.
Copyright © 2007 Michelle Rocker. All rights reserved.