Grief Buried Deep

By Ann Doupont

The Holy Spirit brought it to my attention today, about something which had happened to me long ago, and that it was still affecting me, more than I know.

The events that occurred before I was saved were atrocious, to say the least. For ten years, a man who was most likely demon-possessed abused me in possibly every way imaginable.

I had done some general words of forgiveness to the Lord regarding him several times before. Today, however, I remembered some details regarding many of the abusive acts done to me, and I forgave him specifically for each one brought to my attention.

How can a person take back 10 years of their life? They cannot. Can the thoughts and the memories be fully removed from their memory banks? No, probably not. The events really did happen. The words really were spoken. The abuse really did take place.

It is only by the grace of God that I am still alive. The man, who abused me from the time I was in my early 20s until he died from a heroin overdose when I was 32, is not. I did everything in my power to try to help him, but I could not. It is too late for Ray.

Two years later, I gave my life to Jesus but the memories lingered on. The damage had been done. Why would I stay in an abusive relationship? I had no way out.

While he was alive, I used to go sit in my car by the water and ponder life. I wondered what it was all about. I did not really compare myself to others, because they also looked so unhappy with their lives.

I had no one to talk to, except at times, Ray’s mother, Lola. I told her about him hitting me and blackening my eyes. She did not say much, but I later found out that she was praying for me. I also found out that, he had hit her, too and that he was her favorite son.

After I was saved, I was able to pray with Lola and she received the baptism with the Holy Spirit, and began speaking in tongues. She had much pain, as long as I knew her. She had been a single mother, raising two boys alone. I do not recall what happened to Ray’s father, but it was Ray’s uncle who got him involved in crime.

I had no business hanging out with a criminal, but I did it. When I met him, I had been recently divorced and had no counsel. The judge at the divorce trial wanted me to go for counseling, but I refused. I did not want to return to John, my ex-husband, and I thought that this would be what I would be counseled to do.

Looking back, had I gone for counsel (which I had never had by anyone before), I probably would have learned some things. I might have learned how to cope as a divorced woman, without becoming the typical “divorcee,” which is what I did instead. That judge possibly wanted to look out for me, as a father would for his daughter. At the time, I was only 18.

It started in childhood. I had no counsel, not even from my parents. In Proverbs, we find that a child left to themselves shall bring shame to their mother. I did that, many times. I did many shameful things for many years, until I found Jesus at the age of 34.

I do a lot of writing now. It started out as therapy for my soul. I have taken many notes during preaching and teaching, as I am hungry to know the truth and be free.

As I progressed in my Christian walk, praying and studying the Bible for myself, the Holy Spirit taught me many things directly and I began to share those things with others. When it was prophesied to me that I would publish a book, I did that within months of having received that word…and then another book as well.

Seeing the man again recently, who gave me that word a couple of years ago, he said that a person could write forever. I had started 4-5 books and needed direction from the Lord regarding which one to complete first.

Writing is not all that God will have me do with my life. It is only one of the things He has put in my heart to do. I used to have dreams which I shared with my mother, but her response was always “no” to them. They were buried inside. I know that one person cannot possibly fulfill all that I have desired to do for the Lord. It would take an army to fulfill all the ideas I have had, and continue getting.

I see myself now as a visionary. I see things about the way they should be, and how to get them there. Again, I cannot do all of these things, but surely one or more of them.

I have a brand new idea, for a new venture. I have a feeling that this is the one I will be able to implement. I cannot do it alone. It will take some divine connections in order for it to be fulfilled. I have learned, the hard way, not to share everything with everyone.

God will use the things from my past to bring healing to people in my future. The things we experience are for a purpose. Did God lead me into those things for that purpose? No. God forbid that anyone should think that. However, since I did do the things I did, and am still in process of healing from them, He will eventually use all of them for His kingdom purposes – hopefully, to help others avoid the mistakes and pitfalls I made.

Doing what I did, and going where I went, was very painful – almost nearly unbearable, yet God will heal me from all of it. Of that, I am sure. I am a work in process.